Saturday, September 30, 2006
-Why and how did it get to this point?-
memories are time that you borrow to spend when you get to tomorrow...... have i borrowed too much that life wouldn't lend me no more? why did the situation get to this point when friends are split and behave inhibitedly over meaningless things that have passed? does it really have to be this way? i really don't want it this way...... i can't take it no more...... i really can't......
| wish i was dead @ 2:20 AM|
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Friday, September 29, 2006
-Drunk......-
getting drunk in chalet was just cool...... to be honest it's just cool when everyone is just drunk...... when everyone is drunk like you are, no one has a private agenda...... in fact its when everyone is the most honest to each other...... and that is simply cool...... doing dumb things together, talking rubbish...... how nice it would be if the world is just a whole drunk place...... and i would like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who took care of me last night...... whether you guys see this or not, i just love you fellas......
| wish i was dead @ 5:43 AM|
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
-Absence does not make the heart grow fonder......-
despite all that talk about absence making the heart grow fonder, i beg to differ...... why? because although i haven't seen my classmates and i'm supposed to miss them (i really do actually), i have had a couple of arguments with them within this week...... and the odd thing is, i never had any arguments in school where we see each other everyday...... indeed, this holiday has been one of the worst i have been made to go through, save for a few special days...... i'm gonna meet them for chalet later...... don't know whether there will be any ill effects...... wish my life went in reverse......
| wish i was dead @ 5:24 PM|
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-It's okay......-
when i said sorry to disturb you...... i was kind hopeful you would say that i aint't disturbing...... but you said it's okay...... it cut through me like a hot knife through butter...... it really did...... it hurt......
| wish i was dead @ 6:36 AM|
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
-Separation......-
another 2 more days to chalet...... i'm kinda excited because it will be a much needed break for me...... as i was clearing my room up today, i chanced upon my school diary and thus decided to look at the academic calender for the reopen of the 2nd semester...... i was kinda sad upon realising that my beloved friends and i would be seperated by next april...... not that i haven't gone through these things before...... but this bunch of people are very dear and special to me...... especially if you look at the amount of time we have been together...... 5 months and 3 days...... never had anyone or any bunch of my best friends had such an impact on me so quickly...... even B.O.B aka J.A.J.I took slightly more than a year to form...... and these bunch of people have affected my life in a very big way...... and i'm afraid as they say, there's no never ending feast...... so once again we have to deal with separation...... guess i'll just have to enjoy the little remaining time i have with them...... sad really but that's the way it is...... life never seems to let us have good lives eh?
| wish i was dead @ 12:46 AM|
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Saturday, September 23, 2006
-The hollow look......-
soccer was a short and simple affair today...... nevertheless it served its purpose...... suddenly realised that the look in a person's eyes tells many stories...... not narcisstic but sometimes when i happen to look into the mirror, i see different things...... and i couldn't help noticing the hollowed look in my eyes sometimes...... a sign of emptiness perhaps...... maybe its just me...... but when you look at people who are happy, they have the world in their eyes...... with their bright smiles, the world just seems to be shed in a new light...... a happy world void of worries...... i've never seen that in myself...... will i ever? missing you......
| wish i was dead @ 1:51 AM|
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Friday, September 22, 2006
-What an asshole......-
what an asshole...... who do you think i'm talking about...... the person in question is myself...... i just can't stop pissing people off can i? i hate myself...... if u guys can see it, sorry to pei wen and yvonne......
| wish i was dead @ 7:10 AM|
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Thursday, September 21, 2006
-Looking forward to......-
as i have said before, i absolutely hate holidays...... but whenever there are holidays, there are chalets...... chalets have really been my favourite activity, a time to really bond with friends and look into their lives ( note: snorers, unhygenic fellas)...... chalet with the point zeroes are coming up...... can't wait...... should be really fun...... nothing really much to blog since nothing interesting is happening in my life at the moment...... so forgive me if i go MIA for a few days......
| wish i was dead @ 6:52 AM|
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
-Soccer through the ages......-
remember picking up soccer at the age of 9...... it was a totally messed up game then...... no fancy formations, no roles for anyone...... everyone's aim was just to get a kick of the ball...... there wasn't even any goalmouths to score in...... everyone was there purely for the fun of it...... however, like always ,there was a bully in the park...... a fella named leon...... he was a couple of years older than me and my mates...... and he had a mean punt in him...... right then, our dream was to kick harder and higher and further than him...... it was pure fun......
soccer in secondary school was a bonding agent for me and my pals...... best part of secondary school life had to be soccer...... everyday, the motivation for going to school was the game with classmates after school...... that was where i made my best mates; my brothers, amongst my classmates...... however, soccer also divided the rest of us...... we formed a class team and i couldn't believe how power hungry people could get...... all that backstabbing and shitty stuff just disgusted me...... being divided by ideas and temperaments, some who couldn't take it left...... the others stayed...... and the team remains...... just as a team...... nothing much to mention of in friendship......
nowadays soccer just remains as a special time when i and my brothers fight together for each other...... it has also become a time for me to meet them amongst our packed scheduled lives...... however, on a personal level, all the shit i get in life just gets pent up...... and when i have the chance to play soccer, to sweat it out, to give the ball abit of a kick, everything bothering me just goes out...... at least for the half of that day......
soccer is just not a matter of life and death to me...... its much more than that...... it's knowing that with my brothers around, i'll never walk alone......
| wish i was dead @ 6:15 AM|
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
-Miss you......-
miss you alot...... miss your smile, your actions, your singing...... will it all come back to me?
| wish i was dead @ 9:04 AM|
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-Nothing to do......-
this has got to be the most random post since this blog was created...... i'm at home now...... unexpectedly early...... waiting for the repairman to fix my leaking toilet...... someone told me not to take my life so seriously for less troubles...... somehow i dun think i take my life very seriously...... like i'm forever clowning around everything...... it's as if i never had a serious moment in my life...... somehow it already seems like my whole life is a joke for some reason or another...... like i was never supposed to have existed...... if that is the case, why am i still here to piss myself and my loved ones off? guess that's what they really mean by finding a meaning and purpose in life...... and of course there's always the all important value of a person...... no matter how i look at it, things and people don't seem to be affected whether i'm around or not...... is that because my value as a person hasn't been found yet? or am i just worthless...... i don't know...... but i guess since i'm really not that important, that leaves me alot of room for decisions of all kinds...... which is good i guess...... coz it purely means u can do things without thinking about who it affects since it doesn't......
| wish i was dead @ 1:28 AM|
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Monday, September 18, 2006
-Holidays never seem to end......-
holidays never seem to end...... and thats not a good thing contrary to beliefs...... why? because when school is just fun, holidays suck because you have to work, you rarely see your pals and thus you don't enjoy life...... got registered for my basic theory test on driving...... happens on the 4th of october...... wish me luck...... well the textbook doesn't seem rocket science to me...... but there must be a reason why people still fail it though..... ah well i'm not going to whatever it is...... things are getting better i guess...... i'm not thinking that much anymore...... that's because i'm busy with work and having to console friends on their problems...... don't really know...... maybe that's GOD's way of comforting me...... making me realise that many are worse off than me...... ah well...... i'm no saddist but i have to admit that it works...... hope things turn out for the better...... have to fight for it though...... and i will...... i promise......
| wish i was dead @ 5:57 AM|
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Sunday, September 17, 2006
-GOD doesn't owe you a good life......-
GOD doesn't owe you a good life...... i heard this in church today...... how very true...... while i definitely ain't the most devoted or pious of individuals, sunday church has always been important for me...... why? because it leaves me time to myself...... time to think, to reflect while the people around me are too busy singing to take notice of my glazed distracted look...... however, the only time i pay attention in church is when the priest speaks about life...... no matter how boring and monotonous the priest can be, every word can sink in...... and that was what he said today...... GOD doesn't owe you a good life...... the truth hurts...... no matter how i blame everything on life, the truth is that we have to work for everything...... including happiness...... yeah somebody up there is trying to send me a message...... despite how i previously thought everyone was fine and being happy, i was proven wrong again...... dad and mum quarelled again...... i realised something...... couples who work together do not have the ability to draw a line between personal matters and work...... they absolutely do not despite how they say they do...... and so when they do quarrel and do lame childish things like refusing to talk to each other, what happens is that i have to be the messenger to help them communicate and after they get to understand each other, i have to be the clown who has to break the stale mood and after that what happens? i get screwed again for doing things that he reckons i shouldn't do...... and yeah i'm constantly doing these things...... not that i mind though, it's my family that i'm talking about...... but sometimes when i ain't feeling that good myself, doing these things wear me thin...... like im being stretched myself and on the verge of breaking and that i still have to deal with these things, to try and be patient and explain to them what the other party wants and after they are clear about each other's demands, having to crack a dumb joke or comment to liven up the mood when what i really feel like doing is to shout at somebody and something...... i mean, what the bloody hell am i doing? they're great parents, no doubt about that...... but some things you don't tell your parents...... yeah things like how the girl you like doesn't like you...... yeah...... at least in my case, i can't...... lucky those of you who can...... they have much more experience and can tell you what to do much better than any friend...... but sometimes, you just wear thin...... and it feels like im going to find a hole in myself soon...... like a wrongly flipped prata by a lousy prata maker......
| wish i was dead @ 4:12 AM|
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Saturday, September 16, 2006
-Wearing a face-
everyone's happy...... friends, family, practically everyone...... but i'm obviously am not...... and although i loathe to do it, i have to wear a face that depicts a idiotic look...... smiling happily along with everyone...... the only way not to spoil everyone's mood...... i feel very fake all of a sudden...... but i absolutely hate to spoil everyone's life as well...... if they are happy, that's good...... why should i affect them over my own problems...... but being so fake is disgusting...... i absolutely feel like puking over my own behaviour...... but as always, people do what they do because of the situation that they're in...... nobody should go through with me what i am going through...... why? because everything is my own bloody fault...... letting my emotions rule my mind......
| wish i was dead @ 4:38 AM|
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Friday, September 15, 2006
-crazy?-
someone told me im crazy...... yes i am indeed crazy...... but it wasn't my choice to be...... it was wat circumstances forced and moulded me out to be...... is it good ? no i guess not...... but it is already something that has happened...... nothing can be changed......
| wish i was dead @ 5:14 AM|
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-15-9-06-
i seriously need someone to wallop the hell outta me...... why? because never has anyone been able to do that and i so seriously need lots of physical pain, hoping they can take away the pain in my heart...... though i'm just being plain dumb, i can't help it...... that's just me...... forever troubled by these problems is not something i want...... but i can't bloody help it can i? beauty always kills the beast...... what an irony...... something that few can stop is actually manipulated by emotions and feelings...... the weapon that has invisible damage is the most powerful...... will life and fate actually stop making fun of me? if u don't like me, just get rid of me...... i bloody swear i will do something if u wanna kill me by toying around with me...... what that is i have no idea...... but i will do something...... i will......
| wish i was dead @ 4:52 AM|
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-14-9-06-
that song was playing on the radio again...... the very song that she loved to sing...... the very song that i had happy times making fun of her singing...... would that all be the same in the future? i hope so...... but i don't know...... the whole day was pretty much spent in subconsciousness...... i had no idea what i was doing the whole day...... my mind was flooded with images of the past...... once again i find myself regretting the things that i've done...... but what for? once again i've done dumb things though i promised myself never to...... what will happen in the future? heaven...... are you done with making sport of men? when will you stop? why does it always have to be me? will things ever be the same again?
| wish i was dead @ 4:50 AM|
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-My first blog-
this is just a bloody test message to make sure this bloody blog works......
| wish i was dead @ 4:44 AM|
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